Brief, but Frank
Dear sir or madam. Dear devalued ex-candidate. Dear hunter without a
head. Dear lord of no brass rings ahead. Dear lord, period.
Thank you for your blah blah blah. After careful consideration,
boilerplate rejection. We wish you luck in your dummy text.
Papyrus is our official font and substance. Our motto and logo are both
No. Could you be our subordinate, separated at birth? No.
Are the gaps in your résumé and recollection due to booze? Likewise,
your letter had too many zeroes. By the numbers, you’re a blunder.
Forty isn’t an age, it’s a state of declined. Guessing your weight within
one pound is a hobby of mine. If you don’t matter, we don’t mind.
Thank you for not smoking. After careful consideration, we have decided
you sweat more than scotch on the rocks. We wish you would quit.
The taco truck came by at lunchtime. We bought a double-decker. You
got caught in a budget crunch with zesty queso sauce.
Yes, you’re a stellar elevator operator, but we worry you’re also a salary
escalator. Insert punchline about all the way to the top, full stop.
Thank you for your desperation. After careful consideration, we have no
regrets. We wish you all the best in your depression.
Sincerely, we covered our ass. Yours truly, though our pants are fired.
Your most humble and obedient servants, just kidding.
P.S. We had interest but, in the time you took to read this, lost it when
we rightsized our attention span. Up high, down low, too slow!
P.P.S. U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi. Yo mama named you funny. Please
pick a more American nickname, like Dick. You’re welcome, Dick.
P.P.P.S. Try us again later but with commitment. Put our paper incentive
in a business envelope with rain and teardrop stains. No cops.
Gin Don’t Mess with Me
Beefeater confabulates better drivers. Over half
Of Americans believe the Soviet government
Invented vodka to subsidize potato bugs and juice
Baby bottles. They’re right. No matter what you hear,
The world’s largest prairie dog carries no plague fleas.
These knees forecast storms. Over half of Americans
Not of Mexican descent know the Mayan calendar
Portends Armageddon in four, plus or minus three.
In craps, the optimum time to bet the pass line is two,
The object to rig one new pair of shoes and sock it
Away for the house. Over half of Americans owe
More green than they mow and water their lawns.
Even sinners mustn’t mess with gin. Amen.